Commitment

This ingredient by

Toucan / Family Life UK

Commitment


When I met Mark and fell in love I wanted that feeling to last forever. But I discovered, as everyone eventually does, that falling in love is easy, keeping love alive takes commitment.

It’s as simple and challenging as that!

Commitment is the glue that keeps us together, and it’s commitment that will determine whether our relationship flourishes or dies. But many people aren’t so sure about making a commitment these days.

So, what does commitment mean for everyday life as a couple? And why are so many ambivalent about commitment these days?

Commitment says: “I am with you and I’m here to stay.” It means ‘staying loyal to what you said you were going to do; long after the mood you said it in has left you’.

There were definitely times in our marriage that I felt like walking away. I didn’t feel loving towards Mark; I felt deeply resentful and bitter. But it was our commitment to one another, and our marriage, that saw us through the tough times. We had some couple counselling, which was very helpful to get us talking and listening to one another. Counselling also helped us unblock some of our issues and move forward. We’re both great advocates for getting help when you need it, even though it will probably feel uncomfortable and require humility. But it’s worth getting help when we need it. We’d go to see a doctor if our leg was broken, so if there’s a bit of our relationship that needs healing it’s worth seeing a professional.

Wedding vows are an expression of commitment. We choose to make promises to be with someone for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health… and then we follow through with action.

One of the difficult things about making marriage vows is probably that our brain registers: richer…better…health. Then we hit the challenges of real life! But research [www.marriagefoundation.org.uk ] shows very clearly that the act of making a commitment has a profound affect on relationships and means we’re more likely to stay together, with all the benefits. That’s good news for couples, and for any children they may have!

Commitment says: “I’m not letting anything get in between us.” That means faithfulness and putting our partner as our first priority. It will also mean resolving conflict.

Working through some of our tough times has made us stronger as a couple, brought us closer and ultimately helped our relationship thrive. We are happier now after 34 years than we were in the early years. Yes, really!
Why we are happier now? We really know each other deeply and accept one another. We’ve also built a bedrock of trust in our relationship and these things are the outworking of our commitment to one another. I feel free to be me, because I know Mark isn’t going to walk away from the relationship. I trust Mark as a result of our commitment to working through our problems.

Commitment gets mixed reviews these days. Many also question the value of marriage. Is the problem because an Instagram generation are looking for the perfect match or wanting to keep options open? The danger is that couples ‘slide’ into major relationship transitions; dating to moving in together, sharing a home and then children, but without the commitment of marriage the majority of relationships fall apart when there’s a problem. Research by Scott Stanley is clear about the instability of these relationships and break-up always has painful consequences. [www.slidingvsdeciding.blogspot.com] The paradox is that people seeking to avoid perceived restrictions of commitment find there is a heap of other problems and anxiety in their place.

Our experience of commitment is that it takes work and it’s hard sometimes but it is the foundation for a healthy and happy relationship.

Christine Daniel

Toucan / Family Life UK

Toucan is a fresh and unique online series for couples. Toucan brings together practical relationship tools with video clips of couples from a wide range of backgrounds and ages sharing their own experiences honestly and openly, alongside interactive exercises, fun quizzes, engaging animation and eye-catching graphics. In short: • an app for couples with loads of great features • interactive bite-sized content • practical relationship tools • it’s FREE

Short tips

Commitment says: “I am with you and I’m here to stay.” It means ‘staying loyal to what you said you were going to do; long after the mood you said it in has left you’.

Commitment says: “I’m not letting anything get in between us.” That means faithfulness and putting our partner as our first priority. It will also mean resolving conflict.

Commitment is the glue that holds a relationship together. It takes work and its hard sometimes, but it’s the foundation for a healthy and happy relationship.

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